I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
