RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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