I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
