cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
