Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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