I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
