things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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