Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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