she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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