This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
