If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
