she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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