You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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