my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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