Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
