you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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