He disabled his match.com account in front of me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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