I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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