I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
