Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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