The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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