Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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