Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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