i'm lost and i look like a hooker
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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