I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
