My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
