I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
