dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
