last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
