I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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