i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize