Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
