Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
