his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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