end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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