Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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