When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
