Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I believe in your delicious
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
