does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
