You're my little dorito
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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