I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
