to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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