Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
