Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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