I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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