We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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