The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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