Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
