So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
