I am puke
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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