Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize