We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
