I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
