I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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