No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
