i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
