Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
