I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
