All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
