me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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